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My first question is What is the green dot prepaid Discover Card? Many thanks for any response. Another question... Ummm...no. It could be argued that at least 50% of the money in the account is his to do whatever the hell he wants to with. If there are only two people involved, then that would mean that both have an equal say in what gets spent where. If they don't, then thats not much of a partnership. |
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I'm stumped. I'm not so sure what is the answer to your question. I'll do some research in Google and get back to you if I got an answer. You should email the people at Discover Card as they probably can help you..
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OP,.
Your post saddened me. I am really sorry about your situation. I have no advice regarding trust or forgiveness or your feelings of betrayal, but I do offer the following tax advice...... The advice to file an income tax extension could be misleading, because you are required to send in the estimated amount due when you file the extension. If you cannot come up with the entire amount due by 4/15/2010, send in what you can and work out a payment plan with the IRS. You will incur interest on the un-paid portion, so pay as much as possible on 4/15/2010.. If you need help working out the payment plan with the IRS, just come back and post, and I'll give you guidance.. I sincerely hope you and your DH seek counseling and work this out. Good luck, and look forward to the silver lining here... |
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I've only got one although thats more a matter of luck than skill unfortunately. About a year ago I made the mistake of introducing both of them together to a friend of mine as "my past and future ex-wives." I was trying to be funny but unfortunately neither of them found it amusing.
This post has been edited by jtoast: 05 February 2010 - 05:00 PM.. |
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I every time I see a HUSBAND and WIFE shopping with 2 carts.
She pays for "HIS" stuff. Then he pays for "HER" stuff. Then it all goes in the same cart and they leave together. I actually saw one couple just yesterday...she put some of the stuff in "HIS" cart before they went to the register. I SEE ZERO LOGIC IN IT...but if it floats their boat.. |
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Ironically, I'm actually now dating my 2nd ex after being divorced for.
The past 7 years. Amazing how much people change in just 7 years..... |
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*nod* your eyesight gets worse and her senility kicks in..
This post has been edited by jtoast: 05 February 2010 - 05:05 PM.. |
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That'll be my homework this weekend, re-crunching numbers to see if that makes a difference. Thanks for the suggestion..
Whelp, everyone, you've talked me off the ledge. Thanks for your perspectives and support. I agree it would be worthwhile to schedule a meeting with someone if DH agrees- all of us on these boards probably have a different relationship with money than 'civilians' due to our various hardships and histories, so it may take a third party to help us come to an understanding.. In the meantime, we'll need to empty that account anyway to help pay for the taxes, so maybe that's the time to change ownership of it.. Boy howdy, this is going to be a fun weekend.. |
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I know a couple who divorced soon after marriage, married other people, both spouses subsequently passed away, and they ended up married to each other again...
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Have had many COLLEGE ROOMMATES split 1/2 and 1/2 the cost (that is LOGICAL).
But they don't have seperate carts. They just divide the bill in 1/2. $50.12. They each pay $25.06.. |
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That would be tough as neither of us ever carry cash...we would have to borrow a quarter to flip to see who has to pay the ATM fee..
This post has been edited by jtoast: 05 February 2010 - 05:22 PM.. |
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What is an ATM FEE.
What comes out of it when you get there. "IF" you are responding to my post.... I can take CREDIT/DEBIT/WALMART GIFT CARD/CASH/PAPER CHECK for $25.06 from each roommate.... This post has been edited by GEORGE: 05 February 2010 - 05:28 PM.. |
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This was my first thought after reading the subject line..
The ideas about not letting him have access to "your" money and demanding to know where the money is going is not a solution to the problem. This is not a money management issue. It's a personality disorder that's going to plague the relationship in one form or another for the rest of your marriage, which may not survive if it's not worked through ASAP.. Your approach to this is going to set the tone for the eventual outcome. If you are judgmental and take on a "parent" role in dealing with the situation, you'll validate his irresponsible actions. This needs to be approached from the vantage point of two responsible adults that mutually respect each other are trying to solve a problem. Because it's clearly an emotional charged issue, involving an unbiased 3rd party to mediate is about the only way the two of you are going to successfully work through it.. Good luck!.. |
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I was reading this trying to remember when I wrote this post...then I got to the 32 inch waist part and realized it was someone else posting. LOL..
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I'm getting a whiff of the old adage of>WHAT IS MINE IS MINE...and WHAT IS YOURS IS MINE.
This post has been edited by GEORGE: 05 February 2010 - 06:07 PM.. |
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He has been. You can't. He never will..
I would divorce him. Seriously. Life's hard enough without your partner sabotaging you.. Good luck... |
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My husband and I really do have a wonderful relationship and neither has a "parent" role as some might see it. I'm simply the money manager. He says it's how I earn my keep, lol. Fair is fair. He makes the money and I spend it...
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Wow, that's harsh, imo. My hubby certainly "sabotaged" us as you would call it but I don't see it that way. I love HIM and he is otherwise very responsible so why would someone divorce a perfectly good husband over something that is potentially not a big deal in the scope of all things. Good spouses are not easy to come by, you know.
I guess when I'm perfect I'll seek a perfect mate. Until then, I'm super happy with my nearly perfect husband... |
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I think it is a big deal in the scope of things. And it will happen again...
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Maybe to you it's a big deal. To me it's not. Our priorities apparently differ. My husband is playing with our children on this Friday night (and every other). Do I give a hoot if he spends what I feel to be too much for our budget sometimes? Apparently not....
My husband did not even know how much our electric bill typically is until I mentioned it today. If you ask him on Monday, he'll have no idea. I have a list so that if I get hit by that proverbial bus, someone can come pay the bills. **Please do not ever let money spoil an otherwise perfectly good relationship. When I look at things in the world that I see as bad, I see them almost always circle back around to money. GREED is a terrible thing.. This post has been edited by ProfessorMom: 05 February 2010 - 06:33 PM.. |
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That's not happened in the OP's case. They have a no-touch account which he touched and didn't tell...
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The point is you should be able to trust your partner to follow an agreement (and in general not take money when you aren't looking)...
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Hmmm, then I'd better run right downstairs and let him know we should be getting divorced if I catch him using a Discover card without an approved expense report ever again!..
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I think the unofficial start time is 6pm in whatever time zone you're in...
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I give MRS 2 credit cards at a time.
I say use one first and an the other as back up. "IF" she runs into some place that won't take credit cards she has some cash and paper checks. She only has to give me the receipts for the Discover card charges. She has a little paper basket on top of the TV stand to put them in. I don't even say what she can and can not spend.. |
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Jolla, I don't meet to start with you. I feel like maybe your background urges you to feel the way you do, as does mine. Maybe it comes from having been around the block a time or two but I would NEVER suggest that someone throw away an otherwise good marriage over money. Do we know if they have children? To each his own, I suppose, but it's not like he's out picking up cheap hookers or shooting up on Friday nights. The guy obviously is clueless about money.
Which begs the question.... Other than the money thing, *IS* he really a good guy? If so, then maybe he can be taught or systems can be put in place to help him. People are not disposable, you know... |
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Well said..
And yes, he is a good guy. A good guy who's terrible with money... |
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Without knowing the financial picture of the household, what he used the money for, or even how much money we're talking about that's kind of a strong thing to say..
Sounds like the OP keeps the husband on a tight financial leash. There may be another side to this story where the "allowed" budget was legitimately insufficient to cover necessary expensesOr he may have blown it on immature things.. It's his money too.. The OP rightly feels disrespected over the withdrawals, but the husband might be feeling the same way over the circumstances that brought him to making that decision.. So it's ok for the OP to decide the "house downpayment savings we agreed not to touch" can be used to pay a tax bill, but the husband doesn't have the same right to determine some expense is important enough to touch the savings?.. |
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Whatever you do, I think you've definitely got to try. Remember that he is the person you married and that you love. No one is perfect...
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OK, I've said this a few times now, but you don't appear to have the picture: I don't oversee my husband's money or spending. We do not have a household "budget." I don't keep anybody on a "leash," financial or otherwise. Our accounts are SEPARATE. The one joint account was intended as savings for a house deposit. We BOTH agreed not to touch it. Now we are faced with a large, unexpected tax payment.
Which is now depleted, given his withdrawals. Which means I need to find another way to scrape up a few thousand dollars.. If my husband had some urgent need for money, he should have discussed it with me, not tapped into an account we had agreed was off-limits. Period. I didn't tell him not to touch the account; we opened the account specifically agreeing, mutually, to deposit into it and otherwise leave it alone.. I find it amazing that you would interpret the situation as my being some controlling harpy who has him on an allowance. And an "insufficient" one at that... |
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You could always give it a few days and if you still feel as strongly discuss it then. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt and discuss it too quickly it ends up in a big mess. My wife and I are finally after ten years learning how to deal with each other, one thing we cut each other some slack sometimes..
If anything get with him and just say "alright big boy it's time to step up, we gotta get this bill paid.". Guy and gals gotta have their mad money, they just can't ever let it hurt the overall finances.. You may be shouldering too much of this alone, he may need to start taking a more active part in the finances, it's no picnic. My wife who doesn't work outside the home has beaten me down over ten years, now I usually split my mad money with her, sometimes she gets her half and then something will come up and take mine, oh well, it's only money, the bigger enjoyment comes out of giving it to her.. You guys just gotta feel around and find a method that works well for both of you. Good luck!.. |
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Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If money management is your strength and not his, then you handle the money.
Keep your savings in a higher-interest vehicle that can't be accessed without jumping though a hoop or two. It's out of temptation's reach that way and you earn a little more interest to boot. IMO one of the keys to a good marriage is knowing what your strengths are- and what your partner's are, and knowing when you should each step in to compensate for the other's weaknesses. Everyone has them. Everyone. Honestly- if someone is willing to dump a partner over an issue like this, they have no business being married in the first place. The joy of having a partner is you can arrange it so you each have the other's back when they stumble, not stab them when they screw up. You are in it together, even when one of you makes a mistake. I don't see it as a power or territorial issue, dividing up responsibilities between my DW and I. More a matter of just helping each other reach our goals. If you have a goal laid out like buying a house- then sit down and come to an agreement on how you'll get there. If DH has a weakness related to overspending, find a way to keep a lid on it. It isn't a matter of you being the Overlord of all things money, it's just you compensating for a weak point of his- so that you both can achieve the goals you've set out... |
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Yeah, I don't get it either. It clearly states he has his own account to spend as he pleases...
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Yep. That's right. When you sit down with him, if he agrees that the isn't good w/money, he might even agree to have you hold the keys to the safe if he can't trust himself.....
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And when he said he used the money because he was short month to month, what was your response? Run to the internet to post a thread about him stealing. Yeah, definitely sounds like a positive atmosphere for discussion about joint finances..
The artificial separation of his/hers expenses where you admit to having no idea what happens with his money (and he, your's) is the same thing as a budget or allowance. It's been determined what expenses are legitimate "joint" ones, and then you don't want any discussion of what's left. You got married, live together, and it seems want to buy a house together. If you don't know about each other's finances, how do you make these joint decisions?. I'm not saying everything needs to be mingled, but it's asking for problems to ignore the fact that your finances will overlap by varying degrees over time.. Have the both of you shared more about your finances since this discovery to try and figure out where the problem is (why he was short)?. Is he living beyond his means? Spending money foolishly? Or is he left needing to pay some expense that's legitimate, but leaves him short for funds?. I'm not saying he shouldn't have discussed it with you. He definitely should have and it was very disrespectful not to. But I can see how, in a moment of desperation, he could have foolishly thought accessing some of his money in the savings account was a better decision than trying to introduce joint financial issues into a relationship that was built without them.. In my opinion, it's important that you find out further details about why he needed the money. I'm sure there are several things he could have used it for that you would eventually understand and forgive, but it's also entirely possible it was used for something that points to future toxic issues... |
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MOM and DAD NEVER HAD SEPERATE ANYTHING.
WE DON'T HAVE SEPERATE ANYTHING (except her little checking account...and a few credit cards). How can MARRIED people live with everything seperate???. I don't get the logic. This post has been edited by GEORGE: 05 February 2010 - 08:30 PM.. |
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I think Phil Collins talked something about "but for now we'll go on living separate lives.."..
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My wife and I have separate accounts. She gives me money monthly and I pay the bills. When she goes to the grocery store, I give her money - usually for 100% of what's spent if not more. When we need furniture, go on trip, out to eat, etc, I pretty much pay for it.
Quite frankly, I'm not even sure my wife knows what I make and I know for sure I don't know what she makes... That being said, we have only been married for a few months. =).. |
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Whatever works for them, eh? My MIL and FIL kept everything separate for their entire 60 year marriage. DW and I combine everything. My parents did sort of a hybrid with some of each. There isn't one "right" way, just whatever works best...
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As with many things in marriage, it doesn't really matter *how* you choose to do something. What matters is that you are on the same page...
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That could be problematic come house buying time unless you intend to use only your own income..
Not to mention community property states... oh, that could be trouble.. This post has been edited by ProfessorMom: 05 February 2010 - 09:25 PM.. |
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Funny how OP is struggling to figure out a way to pay her taxes, and some of you folks are suggesting marriage counseling... While she's at that, maybe she should also go shopping and get a spa treatment, to relieve the stress..
OP: Give the guy another chance, and don't take away control of the savings account. We all make mistakes. Maybe he'll realize how serious the situation is, and not do it again. Worst case, he does it again, and you can consider more severe measures.. This post has been edited by randb: 05 February 2010 - 09:30 PM.. |
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...or unless I (we) already own a house. We do..
Regardless, are you suggesting I should have run a FICO before I proposed?.. |
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I got hers a few times.
BETTER THAN MINE. Like 803 at one time. I only got up to 797.. |
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Well, after she figures out a way to pay the tax bill that certainly wouldn't be a bad idea! Throw in a nice dinner, too! She'll deserve it...
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Awww, I don't even like our king sized bed because I feel like we're too far apart. It's more fun to be attached at the hip...
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Too bad some of the HATE and BAIT CLUB MEMBERS will take offense to it.
This post has been edited by GEORGE: 05 February 2010 - 10:40 PM.. |
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I like the idea of a spa treatment personally!.
OP, it's YOUR marriage. You now know that you need to monitor the finances, and ALL trust issues.. You haven't been married that long, but you might want to consider marriage counseling so you can each set expectations etc, particularly for when children come. Marriage is hard enough without major trust issues, like he's sabotaging your finances. Hopefully, he realizes that he screwed up, and is willing to work with you so this doesn't happen again, instead of treating you like this is all your fault. If so, it's easy enough to make adjustments. If not, you might want to consider all options.. Good luck!.. |
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Alrighty, here's the update:.
Spoke with DH tonight and it turns out that the "help" he needed when withdrawing the money was for a road trip weekend he had had with his buddies to a pro football game. Sooooo...yeah. As I said, he's not financially responsible, which is why, for those of you questioning why we keep things separate...there's your answer. You don't 'borrow' from the house savings for a road trip. Having said that, we are tackling a plan to cover the tax payment and get back on track. For those of you who offered some great advice and anecdotes from your own situations, I truly appreciate it.. I'll stop there and not address some of the comments which seem to imply that we have a bad marriage, zero communication, inability to coexist under one roof, have no hope for the future, etc, because, well... that's just silly. Edited to say that was not directed at GEORGE. Duplex = funny.. This post has been edited by havepeace: 05 February 2010 - 11:09 PM.. |
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Money leaks will not stop. $1000 this year, $2500 next and as your income increase his side needs will increase!!!!.
If you have kids; try to make it work, but keep him in a very short leash. If you do not have kids, get out while you still can... |
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Good Lord....
I am certainly glad I'm not married to some of the people on this forum. Are mistakes just not tolerated in this day and age...?.. |
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This is NOT a Marriage; you just have roommate that you sleep with...
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Thanks for pointing that out. I owe you one..
I'll go and let her know now and we'll tear up the certificate. Dammit, I feel foolish for spending that $20K or so on the wedding.... This post has been edited by Pimp_My_Ride: 05 February 2010 - 11:24 PM.. |
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Communication is usually the hardest and the best way to identify and resolve problems!..
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How many or how much mistakes will you tolerate? The man put his friends ahead of his family and made it worse by doing several times...
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Several times? Perhaps, you should stop evaluating my 'non-marriage' and re-read the thread. OP states "A" road trip. Thanks...
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ALL OF THAT BACK and FORTH PASSING OF MONEY WILL GET OLD AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED AS LONG AS I HAVE BEEN..
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I don't know if that offense is worth dumping him over. Maybe she should wait and see if he shapes up before shipping him out..
There are more serious issues that could come up, you know. For example: Next time he leaves the toilet seat up... that's IT! No second chances. "See you in COURT !".. |
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I guess setting a limit would be fair..once you stop making mistakes yourself. Unless you are the second person in history to be completely free of failings?.
The harshness of some of these comments disturbs me. I wonder how well any of us would do under that sort of scrutiny... |
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SHE leaves the toilet seat up...I don't.
Should I start leaving it up.. |
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Me too. Geez, people, he didn't head for the Caymans with his mistress!.
Wait...did I forget to mention the mistress?. This post has been edited by havepeace: 05 February 2010 - 11:50 PM.. |
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Agreed. It's the same method we used before we were married and only living together... We've only been married for four months. It will change and I'm OK with it...
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FWIW, I'm not saying I'd divorce him because he's bad with money..
I would divorce him because he has honesty issues. Also, going contrary to a mutually agreed upon decision for ANY reason shows a lack of respect. Neither of those will change, even if he makes more money. The fact that he blew house-downpayment-money (that they ended up needing for taxes) for something totally frivolous just highlights how bad his issues are. Even if they stumble across a bag full of money and the taxes get paid, there's still a big problem.. A partner like that will drag you down and not just financially.. Good luck... |
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Nothing here is direct to you; my apologies if I did..
If you re-read the first post you will find the following:. "Instead I found a number of withdrawals I didn't make.. When I confronted my husband, he claimed he "needed help from month to month but always planned to replenish the account..." except he never did replenish it, never told me he was "borrowing", and now we need that money, and on top of everything...I just feel sick. As though he's been stealing. I'm sure I can save enough to make our payment in April, but don't know what to do about this. I feel as though I can't trust him, and he will never contribute to our savings.". The one word that really got my attention is TRUST; her gut is telling her something and she should never doubt that gut feeling; it is ALWAYS right... |
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I am not perfect. I made many mistakes, but I did not get caught. I volunteered the information, and the result was not pretty, but I got points for coming clean..
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Fair enough.
I still don't think a trip to Judge Joe Brown is in order but that's just me..... |
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Sam: Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. That's the first thing they teach you.
Vincent: Who taught you?. Sam: I don't remember. That's the second thing they teach you... |
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A mistake is overdrafting your checking account. Silently taking money out of an account that was earmarked for something else to bail yourself out is not a mistake, it's shady...
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OK, no Joe Brown this time, but as out X-president said: "fool me once shame on ....you; emmm, you cann't get fooled again".
YouTube and search: Bush "Fool Me Once..." you will have a laugh... |
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Intent is everything, and I'll assume his intent wasn't malicious. Perhaps it was, I don't know. OP isn't going down that road, and her knowing the situation better than any of us leads me to believe my assumption is probably correct. It was bad judgment. Nothing more, nothing less. She wishes to fix the situation and move forward, it's disrespectful that folks keep suggesting she toss the bum out...
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I DON'T THINK THAT THIS WEB SITE AUTHORIZED ANY SNAKE OIL SALESMAN ADVERTISING..
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+1.
Daddy, didn't I ask previously that you stop bringing DR into threads?.. |
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First of all you have to cut him off, no trim for a month and make him spend an hour a night doing the most boring thing ever, watching grass grow while listening to blue grass music. That'll learn em.
This post has been edited by eldookae: 06 February 2010 - 01:04 AM.. |
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Seperate but equal works. I have 1 joint account with my wife which is here US spending account. She is a German citizen so she cannot have her own us bank accounts. I have lots of other accounts and she knows of some of them but she also has her own German accounts. She pays the internet and phone bill and I pay for insurance (those are the only non Discover credit card bills we have). I pay all the Discover credit card bills since the Discover credit card are all mine...
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Radi, is Dave Ramsey banned from this website? Are adults not able to use their own judgment?.
I know PLENTY of people who have went through FPU. None of their marriages are worse, they are all BETTER!!! That's a no-brainer. Whatever you believe about Ramsey, FPU is great for marriages.. I didn't even mention his name in my first post. What's wrong with suggesting FPU to an ADULT and letting that ADULT do some research on her own? What's wrong with someone preaching to be on the same financial page as your spouse?????.. |
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I thought Daddy's suggestion of FPU was good advice, as I posted to the OP, maybe he needs a more active part in the finances, it's tough on one alone, both need to be actively involved...
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THE POINT WAS IN THE OTHER POST...IF HE LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP.
I (personally) DON'T...never felt the need to. I had no idea it was required. Just like the cap on the toothpaste. It goes back where I found it (ALWAYS HAS).. |
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I guess people being like some in this thread is the reason that I got this really nice house so inexpensively. Silly people got a divorce and lost their shirts. I guess they think the grass is greener somewhere else....
If you love your spouse and they forget the lid on the toothpaste, start buying the kind with the attached lid. Simple. Do not set your loved one up to fail. Set your loved one up for success... |
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IMHO, I think you have a wrong idea as to why some/many CB members hate Dave Ramsey. I don't think anyone cares so much about Dave Ramsey himself, but they hate his programs/books as they seem to make you think he has the solution to and as if he's everything, kind of like a cult...
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YOU CAN'T HAVE CREDIT CARDS AND BELONG TO THE CULT.
I NEVER WENT BK ON $1,000,000's...and THEN BECAME A HERO. THE SHEEP HAD TO PAY FOR HIS NEW $1,000,000+ HOUSE (he couldn't qualify even if he put 50% or 75% down). REASON...LACK OF RECENT CREDIT HISTORY. People with CREDIT HISTORY can usually get away with 10% or 20% down (even for $1,000,000+). Sometimes <10%. This post has been edited by GEORGE: 06 February 2010 - 12:00 PM.. |
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It is amazing to me how people can share their bodies and later lives via marriage with a mate BUT not feel it necessary to put ALL financial cards on the table for that same mate to see. Finances are the #1 cause of divorce, so a fighting chance at the start and rechecks are required along the way to stay the course..
Havepeace, DO NOT back off of your original sentiment about feeling sick & decieved because people are now challenging you. Stand your ground but use these feelings to your advantage if you are not ready to call a spade a spade and believe in your Union. With this incident NOW is time to organize and confront with your mate this financial pink elephant sitting in the room. So seize the moment while he is aware of your discovery and new tax bill you are facing. I would suggest the following:. 1. Put ALL $$$ sources on the table, BOTH.. 2. Pull FICO, BOTH.. 3. Join a site like Yodlee, load ALL accounts with alerts of various activity sending to BOTH.. 4. Contribute to household expenses in equal %tages if you dont make equal salaries IF 50/50 is causing the lesser earner cashflow issues.. 5. Discover credit card debt, SL debt, taxes, etc should be 100% knowledge of BOTH of you and tackled as a couple when the full disclosure budget is set up. At this stage CCs and their use, number, possession, etc should be tackled.. 6. Revisit W4s, Retirement Contributions TOGETHER and adjust accordingly to your lifeplan vs. monthly expenses.. 7. Homeownership Fund, open in a deposit vehicle where there are 1 or 2 hoops to withdraw from it and alert of activity sending to BOTH. Contribution can be discussed based on what is left on the table after 1-5 are finalized.. There should be NO secrets, NO alienation, NO feelings of burden on you and not him or vice versa as this marriage places the two of you against the world... |
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I have to agree with Operation Home Ownership above..
When my husband and I first married, I didn't know a lot about his finances and I liked the mystery. He respectfully tried to stay out of mine, not that I cared, and there was nothing to hide. I think both of us liked to think that the other had it more together. That was a nice fantasy.. Gradually we merged everything so that we both see the whole picture and we collaborate on managing it all. We use Mint and we have spreadsheets we both use, and we pore over them together frequently. We happen not to have many joint accounts but the accounts being in his name or my name is just a formality; we both have, if not authorized usership, logins for every card and bank account and brokerage account and I log into his bank account to pay bills as often as I log into mine. We're both fine with that.. I think it's better to merge your finances and make sure that all of you see every inch of it, with no secrets and no grayed-out areas. That way you would have noticed right away any withdrawals and would have discussed them at the time... |
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Thanks..
Plus if OP still wants to be the Money Mgr that is fine BUT you both should have on-going full disclosure of everything. Also, if DH opposes this full disclosure, and worse, continues to sabatoge good efforts then let the side-eyeing begin!.. |
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OP- you're a riot. I think your sense of humor must serve you well- at the very least keep you sane..
Money is the root cause of more divorces than even infidelity. This sounds like a problem that should be addressed. If one of you has to be the "parent" and the other is acting as the "child" it's not a sustainable dynamic. And not fun for either party in the long run. Keep in mind, CA is community property, so everything is 50/50 anyway in the end.. Sounds like he needs a dose of reality. And you need some foundation to trust. You definitely need to figure out the budgets, money,etc. - it will only get worse with time as you add mortgage, insurance, property tax, etc. Set up your budgets with automatic transfers - his account to the household expense account every paycheck - same for you. Lock the account up as much as possible - no ATM card, no checks- only E-payment out of the account from online banking (or get an Electric Orange account for that) and that's your rent, utilities, phone, etc. If you have a house downpayment savings account, do the same thing - no ATM access, one-way trap door in and if you need money out, then make it hard to do. Then you have your account with your leftover$, he has his, no problems. If he's short, he can borrow money from his buddies - or you. Good luck and keep a good outlook - sounds like you are pretty level headed. Peace,. Mj.. |
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OpHomeOwner and I were typing at the same time it appears.
"What he said". Damn good advice. Good luck!.. |
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Correct me if I'm wrong....
The OP and her husband were managing just fine. They made a mistake with regard to exemptions/deductions/withholding that created an unexpected tax bill. The OP went to the savings account (house fund) as a last resort to pay the bill. She found that the husband had taken some money for A road trip. He apologized and admitted he made a mistake. Right?. Now, we have people crying divorce, locking him out of all accounts, getting a part time job to repay the money and now laying out a plan that allows the husband to "borrow" money from his wife... Somehow, I think this has gotten blow WAY out of proportion. Again I say, correct me if I'm wrong.... PMR.. |
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Oh, I think it just hit a very raw - and familiar - nerve with a lot of folks, that's all.
Better to have it out now - much easier and cheaper than later. Operation Home Owner laid it out well. If you don't have the ability to go to a financial counselor together, there are tons of books, but Yodlee or something like that is just so easy... |
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Partially. The taxes were the trigger, but she also went on to describe a marriage where either party do not know what the other makes, spends, contribution shortages, emotions brewing, etc just $$ generalizatons and $$ grey areas, which is nonsense when you sleep with a person..
Its best to CLEAN UP a situation, get a organize, and plan for success then not to and let spiral further to negative feelings. IF the best effort doesnt work, then deal with that when it comes. Gee, I dunno if I am married to a $$$ idiot, I am kinda prone to make things idiot proof as possible, no?. This post has been edited by Operation_Home_Ownership: 06 February 2010 - 04:15 PM.. |
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As for the part time job... yeah, if they don't have enough to pay the tax bill and he blew their savings without consulting her, then he SHOULD be helping to earn the money to pay it back. Why should he go and have the good time and then leave it to her to clean up the mess alone? I'd say no way, Jose!..
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Aside from the whole DR "ignore your credit score" problem, which is in direct contradiction to this site's purpose- FPU costs money. There are plenty of no-cost alternatives to accomplish the same...
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How do you make a joint account work? When I was married back in the day (got divorced in 02) we had a shared account, never even thought of seperate accounts.. I was the spender, she was the saver, so it balanced out...
Nowadays, I think if I ever marry someone, I wouldn't want her , I "think", in my accounts 100%... I make a little bit more than double what my gf makes... but then it seems it would feel like just a "roomate" vs a significant other... you know "our expenses are $5K, you put $2K and I put $3K (based on percentage of debt to salary ratio).... and we each keep our own "stash" savings or checking? Doesn't sound right, but, what do I know.... Maybe it only works on first marriages, lol... I can only imagine, she dips into our "joint account" and takes $400 for something "her daughter" needs, f. there goes my $... or if I want to buy something for my kids, $400... "honey, can I take $400 out?" and have to ask permission??? omg, I am not ready for joint living or joint accounts I think.. serioiusly, how do you people make it work???. OP, dump 'em, that's theft.... he just forgot to tell you?? How much is the actual salary that he ran out of money??? What d heck is he spending it on? Is it being spent on YOU? Out with his freinds? His hobbies?? Don't just let it blow away, ask him black and white, where did the $ go??????????????????????????????????????????????????/.. |
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Fair enough..
Question... Does the 'lay it all out on the table, make things equal/proportionate/etc' happen before or after he gets the part time gig?. =). This post has been edited by Pimp_My_Ride: 06 February 2010 - 05:46 PM.. |
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As a side note, I think it would lend alot to this thread if all posters added their marital status, how many times they've been married and their age. It would probably shed ALOT of light on many of these 'cut off his balls and shove 'em down his throat' responses.
Not that I expect anyone to do that... Just making a point.. (No disrespect intended.).. |
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Wow, this thread still has legs... I think my favorite line is "Dawg made a mistake." Ha! Thanks for the giggle, Pimp. My husband is about as street as Norman Fell..
Thanks again for all the advice...met with a tax accountant this morning and things look just about as bad as I'd feared in terms of money owed but I'm anxious to just pay it and get back on course. My husband and I ARE transparent with our incomes, accounts, etc. We are also debt-free, so while this whole situation is a drag, it is temporary.. For what it's worth, my initial feelings of 'betrayal' for lack of better have morphed into feelings of irritation because I think before our sit-down yesterday, he really didn't understand what the big deal was. He had planned to cover it, had not expected we'd have this tax issue, and got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. And I agree with the "state your # of marriages, etc" idea. It's amazing how relatable this issue is for so many of us! So for the record, I'm 35, he's 38, first marriage for each after a few close calls. No children.. Now I need to go cook dinner for my husband who has been doing penitance housework all day. Edited to say I did not order, coerce, or otherwise badger husband into doing housework. Just one of the terms of his allowance.. This post has been edited by havepeace: 06 February 2010 - 07:26 PM.. |
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Tell him no whoopee until he replenishes the account..
Of course that will fail because using sex as a weapon in a relationship is a good path to disaster, but it seems like what he deserves. I am not sure why you married him in the first place. Perhaps you have to reign in his ability to spend money and treat him like a child if he can't act like an adult.. Money issues are the primary cause for problems in most marriages, so if you can't straighten it out, you will be in trouble. Since he borrowed from the account and knew you were in charge of the finances and he did not tell you, he needs to agree that you need to have total control and access over your monies and savings. If he refuses this then you either need to convince him or you are in a bad place.. If he is not in a place that he can admit to you he made a mistake and was irresponsible and that he needs to give you that control, you guys seemed doomed. If he can actually listen to you, admit that he messed up and that he is not financially responsible and the best thing for both of you ,your future and your marriage is for you to have lock down control of the finances, then you got something to work with.... It all will depend on how he responds.. If he complains he is not a child or he is not going to be in jail or you are not going to run his life, then I see no real future... |
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I am in the process of setting up a Macro so that when I open this thread, I can post "Unbelievable" with a single key stroke....
I"ll keep you posted... |
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Maybe he told her no whoopee until she forks over the allowance... with a raise...
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I do fine with ignoring scores (too many ups and downs when LOGIC says they should not be so volatile).
Then they will just sit there at the same score when the total debt drops $1,000's every single month. BUT I DON'T IGNORE CREDIT (NOT IN 30+ YEARS)...NEVER WILL. Unless all of a sudden they start offering a 5% discount (of shelf price) for cash every place I shop at.... This post has been edited by GEORGE: 06 February 2010 - 10:47 PM.. |
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OP, I am happy to hear you talked to your husband. Even better you guys are getting back on track. I hope you are feeling better...
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Pimp My Ride is working on a Macro for this stuff. Perhaps he'll share it...
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Something doesn't smell right with this one..
He has a job, you guys are debt-free, yet he still felt compelled to dip into a mutually-agreed upon "ironclad account" to fund a.....road-trip?. Not saying you should kick him to the curb or anything like that. I would, however, be careful heading into the future.. It's not really a money issue so much as a trust issue... |
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If they are Adults kids; you MUST ask permission. If they minor kids; you need to DISCUSS together as a family t see if it make sense...
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OFCOURSE a person can share what they want online, but I feel OP is backing off the discussion entirely due to the challenges [or attacks] to her hubby's actions..
The sentiment went from I make more, I pay for more, I will probably buy our future home using my financials, multiple debits from deposit acct, not watching all accts cause I missed this/trusted, feelings of deception, he uses his $$ for his stuff, etc TO we are debt free, he made 1 debt for a roadtrip, she watches all accts, full disclosure, he cooks, he cleans, everyone post your relationship status & age, blah, blah, blah. As if anyone has done this to offer advice on an open forum such as CB as a rule b4 posting.. While I do not agree with certain attacks, it's easy to see she is no longer interested in any advice. I for one thought that my advice is for anyone planning, not just people heading for trouble...but I dunno the guards are up now, end of story.. This post has been edited by Operation_Home_Ownership: 07 February 2010 - 02:07 PM.. |
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Yep, OHO. I think OP did get what she needed here, though. Take what you want and leave the rest. There's plenty to be left behind, lol. Not all of us are haters and not all of us have unrealistic expectations. She obviously was venting...
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I disagree. I think the OP is overthinking this. The right thing to do in this case (and indeed in every case) is for the woman to hand over her paycheck to her husband and let him decide how to spend it. That way there are no ambiguities about who is in control. This whole equality thing is getting out of hand...
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Edited to add from my husband: "Does this mean she has to go to work?".
This post has been edited by ProfessorMom: 07 February 2010 - 02:23 PM.. |
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Yes, 2 jobs at least. Less idle time means less time to get into mischief...
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Uh oh, maybe we'd better make it 3 jobs if keeping me out of mischief is the intent! When will the nanny/housekeeper be arriving so that I can get started?..
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I agree with LBCS except for a few minor changes. Even though we both have access to all accounts and both pore over the spreadsheets frequently (meaning I make him look at them and he hardly grunts acknowledgment), this is the way it works around here:.
"The right thing to do in this case (and indeed in every case) is for the man to hand over his paycheck to his wife and let her decide how to spend it. That way there are no ambiguities about who is in control. This whole equality thing is getting out of hand.". Agreed - I mean, there's equality, but letting him have too much say over where the money goes is not in our best interest, and he knows it, so he lets me run the show. Probably more people should follow suit.. J/k. Everyone knows that while both people should be accountable and should have plenty of say, eventually in any partnership one person (whether male or female is unimportant, they could both be hermaphrodites and they only important factor would be who crunches numbers better) emerges as the better or more detail-oriented or more efficient money manager... |
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That's opening a whole new can of worms.
Http://en.wikipedia....i/Hermaphrodite.. |
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I did not attack nor challenge any of her husband's actions.
Here's the thing though: He's 38, not 25. This is not some kid, here. He either does not respect the fact that they had a mutual understanding of the ground rules of this account OR does not feel comfortable enough in this relationship to be honest with his wife about his need for this money.. Of course, there's always the chance that he needed this money for nefarious circumstances such as a gambling or substance abuse problem. I'm willing to not devote too much time to this option, however, since OP says there's no need to.. Was hi sbehavior incredibly shady? Yes. Should OP be concerned going forward? I would be, but I can't tell her how to feel. Should she go ahead and divorce him now? That seems to be an extreme option, obviously.. When a person displays a tendency to be dishonest, it raises flags in my eyes. Maybe that's just me... |
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...and enter Fred Flintstone. Just what the thread needed a touch of male chauvinism when the woman brings in most of the bacon...
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Hey I get it, but it was a universal you, not Tappanzee specific you...
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No offense to the board but anyone who would come to an internet forum for marriage advice (yes this about their marriage).
Is heading down the wrong path from the get-go. I am actually suprised that so many members would even give. Advice knowing that they are lucky if they are getting even half of the story.. This post has been edited by swanky: 07 February 2010 - 03:23 PM.. |
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Did the team he supports win the game and which strip clubs did they stop at? just checking to see if the it was a total loss..
This post has been edited by hegemony: 07 February 2010 - 03:26 PM.. |
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Probably not. I can think of some other types of oil that would be much more preferential for contributing to marital success...
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And with this I am respectfully asking that we end this thread. I've tried to be as transparent as possible, have received a lot of good advice, suggestions, and support, fun banter, but am kind of starting to take these (above) types of comments personally..
Given that I'm still dealing with large financial recovery issues, and all the rest... really just don't want to continue to be insulted, defamed, maligned, what have you.. I posted here what I posted originally because it's not the kind of topic where you ring up a friend and say, "Guess what?". Again, many people have been helpful, and I thank you, but can't help but notice, as happens with many message boards, that conversation inevitably steers towards breaking people down, or faulting them for seeking advice, what have you.. Too bad, as this is a great community, generally speaking. Anyway, thanks again. Peace-out... |
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Dupe.
This post has been edited by LBCS: 07 February 2010 - 03:43 PM.. |
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You must admit that under my method there would be no dispute. Havepeace hands her paycheck to her husband and dutifully abides by his decision while she makes dinner. Keeps things simple..
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Yes, absolutely, that's one of them. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right???..
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Well I have no problem with my spouse making a lot more than I do. how else would I be able to fly first class? how else would I be able to retire early? how else would I be able to afford the best scotch?..
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Awww, don't let the rotten apples spoil your bunch. I hope you don't mind that a few of us are having some fun with this topic.
I can only imagine if I handed over the paychecks in our household and left husband in charge! We'd have lots of video games and big tv's but no electricity to use them because he'd forget to pay the bill!.. |
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I recently had ~5% pay cut and she got a ~10% pay increase. 10% raise for her equaled 400% my pay cut..
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Ok, there is like a 20 post discussion about snake oil and I get singled out for giving sane advice?..
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Nothing I said was mean or a personal attack. I guess you just wanted to hear what you wanted to hear...
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